Cheers To All The 20 Something Avoidant Attachment Girlies.
An ode to discovering that fearing intimacy isn't as girlboss as I thought it was. Cheers to our shitty 20's.
My sister and I do a very sibling-y activity of pointing out which character we’re watching represents each other in the movie. While going through my fifth rewatch of Little Women, she routinely pointed and said “That’s you.” The character that was on the screen was Jo March. Independent, strong-willed, lonely Jo March.
Jo March represented qualities I yearned to have. A quick-witted aspiring writer who repels the prospect of marriage during a time when it was seen as an economic proposition. Her strong-willed tenacity granted her an icon but with her rejection of most companionship and support, she was extremely lonely.
Just like Jo, my belief and yearning for freedom transformed into a trap of isolation. The need to run errands alone, and complete every task without one ounce of assistance turns into a toxic entitlement towards proving yourself to be worth living. And with that crippling fear of being a liability in life, insert the trauma response that is hyper-independence.
While girl-bossing your way to the top is rewarding in itself, in this modern age, it almost seems expected. Women, especially, are most likely to feel the urge to become hyper-independent amidst a landscape of stereotypes and societal expectations. This toxic mindset is especially prominent in our social media feeds 24/7. Just take a look at your TikTok right now.
Being hyper-independent can also get in the way of your romantic life, as it becomes an identity that you fear will be stripped away from you at the sight of a shared romantic glance.
Innocent flirting in a bar feels like a commitment due to the fear of being carried bridal style from my ambitions. It may feel as though every social gathering and mindless social media swiping serves as a distraction from your “dreams.” One of the largest contributing factors to hyper-independence is social isolation and the inability to form meaningful connections.
There will come a time when you break your arm and find yourself a bit more immobile than usual; let your neighbor carry your groceries for you as a kind gesture. And you will have an inevitable romantic or platonic breakup and need a shoulder to cry on (and an ice cream tub to cry into,) let your friends be the ones to do so.
Social conformity is a prison. But so is the unwillingness to drop our egos and indulge in exactly what we were put here to do: experience life in the form of human connection.
Desiring romantic love and meaningful connections doesn’t make you a 1950s housewife, and chasing your dreams without prioritizing romance certainly doesn’t make you an anomaly. It makes you a human being, who finally has the power to choose, just like men have had the freedom to do for so long.